This week my old friend really wanted to meet up with me. I just had a very deep depression episode and now I’m trying to go back to society. I’m looking for a new job, doing things which I used to love and doing as much as possible to feel good. And stay out of trouble of course. She knew about my problems but we haven’t been in touch lately. In her text messages I’ve felt some anger which I don’t like and try to avoid. I try not to argue with anyone and focus on the positive right now. I finally texted her about what happened through the last months and my depression of course. She was still very mean to me and I’ve felt guilty about not seeing her since January. I’ve explained that I’ve worked abroad for a few months so I wasn’t home and then since July I’ve barely left my bed. When she still seemed to be resentful I just got angry too.
I deeply feel that I don’t need to explain myself to anyone. I already suffer from lots of bad feelings and I don’t need more of them. If someone wants to see me only when they feel bad and need comfort or when they are bored I’m not interested. I know who’s really supportive for me and I try to be helpful for those people as well. There are some people who I don’t have any connection with anymore. But why would they tell me that I’m a bad person? I feel guilty probably the most often right now. I feel guilty about my depression. I feel guilty about not working right now. I feel guilty about my suicide attempts. I feel guilty about my manic episodes. I feel guilty about money I’ve lost. I feel guilty about so many opportunities I’ve missed and wasted. I feel guilty about myself. I’m not ashamed of sharing with people about having bipolar disorder but I’m ashamed of myself in general.
I’m not an egoist. I do as much as possible to be helpful. I take care of my parents’ house. I’m cleaning and cooking. I’m waking up early. I’m walking my dog a few times a day. I’m looking for a job. I’m taking care of myself. I’m seeing my psychiatrist and I’m taking my meds. Am I doing something wrong?
Yes, I haven’t met with some people for long months. But I haven’t done it intentionally. I just wasn’t able to meet anyone. Maybe I’m an introvert. Maybe I’ve never been very sociable. But I do my best. So don’t charge me about being bad.
And you know what? Finally this friend wrote that she thought I’m not meeting with her and we are not in touch anymore because I didn’t like her anymore. Because she’s a young mother right now. And she felt that she’s not enough good for me. With baby carriage and dirty diapers. Of course I felt relief. Because I would never think about her like that. And I’ve been very supportive through her pregnancy. Her baby hasn’t changed anything. But for so long I had no idea why she’s so mean, aggressive and angry. Because I can’t read people minds. That took some time but now I know. And I think that our relationship will change for the better right now. Because we all have feelings.