You are here

The Unseen

Kryss Jobes

#TheUnseen is when mental and/or emotional fatigue leads to withdrawing, and depressed thought loops. It is when "I'm tired or "I don't feel good" mean so much more. It is when you can't even handle being around the people you love. It is when you wish you could confide in someone, but you can't let anyone see that part of you. It is when people think you're okay because you can laugh and smile. It is when you know the good feeling behind that laugh or smile won't last, no matter how hard you try to hold on to it. It is when life seems to go on around you while you are frozen in time. It is when the thoughts come at you so fast from all directions, you can't fight them off. 

#TheUnseen is: 

-Why did my parents treat me the way they did? 

-Why didn't anyone want me? 

-I'm a terrible mother. 

-I'm a terrible partner. 

-I'm a terrible friend. 

-I'm a terrible person. 

-It is too late for me to repair my relationship with my daughter. 

-Why were some people so cruel to me when I was a kid?

-I miss my aunt.

-I am scared of losing my grandmother and aunt.

-I'm scared of losing my family.

-I'm scared of losing myself.

-I feel like I am falling apart.

-I don't know who I am.

-I don't feel like myself.

-What am I even doing?

-I just want everyone to leave me alone.

-Why don't they understand?

-I wish I could go back and start over, make better choices and be a better person.

-I wish time would stop.

-I feel empty.

-How can I step up and take care of my aunt and grandmother, my family?

-Why does life feel so mundane?

-I am so afraid of dying.

-I can't stop thinking about my death.

-I feel like I've wasted my life and I am out of time.

-Does anyone truly love me?

-How could anyone love me?

-Why can't I just be normal, and function like everyone else?

-Why won't it stop?

-Why am I like this!?

-Why can't I be a better person?

-When will these monsters in my mind go away?

-Why won't my brain just be silent?

-Does peace really exist?

-Is any of it even real?

-When will I wake up from this?

-What are you doing to yourself?

-Don't talk to anyone, don't let them in.

-You'll never accomplish your goals. Why bother?

-Just get rid of everything. You don't need it.

-Just shut down. Everyone would be better off.

It is when all you want to do is run away, but you can’t run away from yourself. It is when you feel like no one cares or wants to know about #TheUnseen.

                              SEEN                                                                   UNSEEN

I wrote this in the midst of an attack. It has become almost like an automatic reflex for me to just start writing when I feel myself sinking into one of those spells, when I cannot seem to stop the thought loops. It is a comfort to me, not only because it gives me a way to get the thoughts out of my mind, but it helps me work through them as well. So instead of being bombarded with racing thoughts I can’t keep up with, I can look at the thoughts individually and remind myself how each one is just more mind monsters whispering their lies to me. It also provides me with an opportunity to share what goes on in my mind with others, so that they may better understand what I go through.

Comments

It is really helpful that you shared this, because it is what happens to others. I know that writing helps. I think that it really helps us to divide our facts from our feelings. Facts are external, feelings are our internal world of processing the facts ( how we think and feel about the facts.) when we feel a certain way about ourselves that is negative, we can look at where that feeling came from. Sometimes we feel a certain way about ourselves because of how someone treated us in our past. If we can look at that way we see ourselves and understand how it came to be, we can gain power and decide to choose how we see ourselves. How we see ourselves determines so much in the world. Sometimes it seems like we are punching our way out of a great big think walled balloon of feelings and self perceptions, but picking each one apart is how we make progress in improving how we see ourselves. Choosing a more positive way of seeing ourselves can set us free in so many ways. Sometimes there is something we do not like about ourselves that is hard to change. For instance, I am older, and heavier, and I am not happy with that. If I choose a negative self image and don't like myself, then I handicap myself. Instead I am choosing to work on weight loss and on dressing a little bit more fashionably to look better. Brighter colors make me feel better. We each are a lot of things. We can go out into the world and have the heavy load of what we do not like about ourselves weighing us down, and interfering with how we associate with others, or we can just throw that baggage away. We can choose to be comfortable with ourselves as we are. This self acceptance goes a long way in making good friends. You see, we all suffer from being self conscious and from being uneasy sometimes in associating with others. When we realize this, and focus on the fact that we need one another, we become better friends. Sometimes the best therapy for healing yourself is being a good friend to some other people, and serving others in some capacity. Then we don't have time to have our own intrusive, intimidating worries, fears, or feelings of inadequacy. It is healing to think about others and be there for them. We have to take care of ourselves in order to do this in simple ways, but even very handicapped and sick people can be warm and friendly to people and that helps everyone. Sometimes we do not realize how much power a simple smile, a "Hello, how are you?", or a short conversation where we really listen to someone is. They can give someone else the courage to go on, and the comfort of knowing that they are not alone in the world, but that they are loved and cared about, maybe this life is worth living after- all, or turns a weary day into a happier one.

I hope you translate this.
Me cansa tener que levantar mi persona. Cada vez es más difícil levantar mi cerro de arena :(

Thank you for opening it up in your article. For the past few years I have been unable to concentrate sometimes and I wonder what I did right on the days I am able to and want to try to string them together. Most of the thoughts you relate I also have as well. I met someone a few months ago and things were going beautifully until I decided it was time to tell her about my diagnosis. Things certainly have changed since then. Not returning calls and all of sudden very emotionally unavailable. I would like to say I was prepared for this but I suppose I wasn't considering how quickly things seemed to change. I guess I will destroy every relationship I will possibly ever be in. I am not excited over the thought of being alone forever since sharing just tends to alienate the person you want to be with. Is this going to be my life. I really don't think its worth it at this point if I am going to be miserable and alone. I hate this and want to be someone else please.

I stand from my seat and applaud you. Every thought you poured into this post is a thought I have had 1000 times. It is the black hole of BPD, the reason we lay in bed all day, why we neglect our responsibilities, why we suffer in silence. You get it and are stronger for it.

Add new comment

PLEASE POST COMMENTS ONLY. If you are in need of an IBPF resource, please contact Aubrey @ agood@ibpf.org. If you are in crisis, please call 1-800-784-2433.
CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether or not you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.