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Ok, I’m Bipolar! Now What?

Nicole Lyons

My girls were three and five the first time I was admitted to a psychiatric facility.  I had just crashed from my biggest manic episode and the fallout from my poor decisions had thrown me into a horrible depression.  The year prior to this, I had had a smaller episode in which I took my girls and left their father, Scott, and for the next twelve months, I turned all of our lives upside down.  

Looking back is hard.  Not only because my memory isn’t entirely clear but what I do remember has me wracked with guilt.  I thought I was doing what was best for my girls; sharing custody, providing the necessities and being there for them whenever they needed me.  That’s just it though, I was only “there” when they needed me.  I loved my girls more than anything but that just wasn’t enough.  During the times that they were with Scott, I shopped, called in sick to work and started drinking heavily.  When the girls were with me, I tried my hardest to be a responsible and loving mother.  I went to work, I stopped the extravagant shopping excursions and I didn’t drink.  This cycle would repeat itself every four days.  I was only a mother during the days that I had the kids.  When I didn’t have them, I had no responsibilities except to have a good time. My four days with the kids were always filled with fun but there was absolutely no structure.  Sometimes we wouldn’t get out of our pajamas for two days.  Sometimes we wouldn’t get home from a friend’s house until midnight.  Some nights I would cook a huge meal for everyone and other nights we would eat ice cream for dinner or whatever the kids could reach in the fridge.  One night, I woke my girls up at 11:00 p.m. to bake cookies with me.  

At the time, I thought I was an amazing mother; a fun mom.  I just couldn’t understand why everyone else couldn’t see it too.  I was accused of being on drugs (which wasn’t the case) but everyone wanted an explanation for my erratic behaviour.  I felt abandoned by those I loved and that quickly turned to paranoia.  I was convinced that I couldn’t trust anyone.

After almost a year of my strange behaviour, a failed suicide attempt and a huge psychotic break, I moved back home.  Scott and I rekindled our relationship with the promise that we would go to counselling.  About a week after I moved back home, I woke up in the middle of the night with an overwhelming urge to run away.  I paced the house, quietly at first, to try to walk off the feeling of being suffocated.  My anxiety level started to rise very quickly and the only thing I could think to do was to start cleaning.  When my family woke up and saw the state of the house, I knew for a second that something wasn’t exactly right.  We had friends coming over to visit and I had the contents of the living room, the kitchen and a bedroom scattered everywhere.  I was convinced that my entire house needed to be cleaned and reorganized.  The thing about me, and a lot of other people with bipolar disorder, is that when I am in a manic episode, full of all of that energy, I can’t stay on task.  I have every intention of starting a project and seeing it through but that rarely happens.  To break that down even further, I could not just clean and organize one room at a time.  I had to “empty” everything at once, in every room at once, before trying to put it all back together again.  Only to have someone else put it back together because once I stepped back and looked at the mess I had created, I was overwhelmed with such anxiety that I would just go to bed and hide.  This is the part that is crystal clear to me.  I was in my bedroom with the contents of my dressers piled up onto my bed.  I had a movie playing in the bedroom while ACDC was blaring on the stereo in the living room.  My girls were playing downstairs and Scott was following me from room to room with a look of horror and concern on his face.  He kept asking me what I was doing and what was wrong and I would snap back that everything was fine if this house would just be clean.  I was highly agitated when our friends showed up and I could hear them asking Scott what the matter with me was.  

It was at that exact moment that something clicked.  I knew for certain that something was very wrong.  I could look back and see the cycles that I had been experiencing since my teen years.  I knew I wasn’t in a good place and that my behaviour wasn’t “normal”.  I told everyone right then and there that I had to see a doctor immediately.  I knew that this new found knowledge and understanding would be gone just as quickly as it had appeared.  It was like I was watching a movie of my life in my head. I was scared and so I left.  I drove myself to the closet clinic where the doctor told me to go to the emergency room right away.  Once I arrived at the emergency room, I had no idea why I was even there.  I thought it was a ridiculous idea for me to be there for nothing, so I tried to leave.  What I experienced there were some of the scariest moments of my life.  While I was in the emergency room, a nurse came to me and asked where I would like to eat my lunch.  This seemed very odd to me.  I had been in the emergency room for different situations and had never been offered lunch.  After I declined their offer, things got worse.  They took me to “the quiet room”.  I remember the nurse telling me that there were no empty beds so she was taking me to a different room.  As we passed the empty beds on the way to this room, my paranoia peaked.  I started to cry, told them that I was fine and I needed to go home to my family.  The nurse promised me that she wouldn’t close the door and that the doctor would be in to see me soon.  When she left me I took in my surroundings; the soft pink walls, the foam mattress bolted to the floor and the security cameras on two corners of the ceiling.  The stainless steel toilet also doubled as a drinking fountain and the door was big and thick and entirely impenetrable unless you had the keys.  Why was I here?  This is where they took crazy people and I certainly was not crazy.  The nurse was kind and she didn’t close the door. I don’t know how long I was there before the doctor came in.  I can’t recall what we talked about or how long we talked for.  I do remember looking up, seeing Scott there with my suitcase in hand; he knew I wasn’t going home.   

After 4 mgs of Ativan, the Mental Health worker came to speak to me.  He and the doctor asked me to “voluntarily” commit myself into the psychiatric unit for assessment and to consider the possibility of med therapy.  I vehemently disagreed and asked Scott to take me home.  The doctor told me that it was not in my best interest to leave as he had concerns that I would try to harm myself.  He gave me the choice; you go in voluntarily or I put you on a 28 day hold under The Mental Health Act.  My decision was made for me and off we went to the psychiatric unit.  

I was in such a haze of disbelief and medication that the first few days were a blur.  I remember lying in bed crying and aimlessly wandering the halls.  I know I spoke regularly with two psychiatrists and the psych nurses but other than that, I have no recollection of our conversations.  After about four days, I started to come around and get into the daily routine.  My meds were starting to take effect.  I attended group therapy every day and continued to speak with the psychiatrists.  Every day I asked when I could go home and every day I would get the same answer: “We don’t think you’re ready to go home yet.  You’ve just started your medication and we want you to be supervised.”  This continued for another week until I finally realized that the only way I was getting home was to continue my meds, therapy and just let everything else be.

During this time, Scott and the girls came to see me on a regular basis but when the girls asked me why I was there and why I couldn’t come home, all I could tell them was that Mommy was really tired and the doctors wanted me to stay there to get some rest.  Another week passed and I was seeing things much more clearly.  I was faithfully taking my meds, participating in therapy and had a positive outlook for the future.  I knew I had just experienced some sort of episode and that things were slowly getting back to normal; I was going to be fine.  That same day the psychiatrist called me into her office.  “Nicole, I think we have found the reason why things have gotten so out of control.  After a hard look at your history and your behaviour, we have come to the conclusion that you have a bipolar disorder.  To be more specific, you have Bipolar1 and you experience rapid cycling.  Here is some information for you to look over.”  She then handed me a printout of bipolar disorders and the symptoms.  I remember being shocked, scared and a little bit relieved.  I wasn’t “crazy” exactly but there was a reason I did the things I did and a reason why I felt the things I felt.  She then told me that I was being discharged the next day and that I must stay on my medication and get routine blood tests to check my lithium levels.  I was also enrolled in three outpatient programs that ran consecutively and would keep me busy for the next three months.  

Everything blurred again once Scott came to pick me up.  It was time to pick up my life where I left off but I had no clue how I was going to that.  I took a leave from work and worried about how I was going to break this to my family and friends.  I knew I had a long road ahead of me and no clue how to walk it.  

Comments

Thank you for sharing - wonderfully written!

I need help! Please, I'm hurting and my heart feels broken from not serving.

Hi Andrea, we are sorry to hear about what you’re going through. We want to let you know about some resources that are available to help you. Please call the Crisis Hotline or Text Line you can access by calling 1-800-273-8255 or texting START to 741-741, as we are not a crisis center. For a list of international crisis centers visit this page:http://iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

If you are not in a crisis and want to talk to someone online, we recommend the websitewww.7cups.com It’s a free, anonymous online chat with a trained listener.

Thi is very brave of you. I'm so proud of you

Your comment means so much. Thanks for always being there for me.

Nicole's blog is such a powerfully raw story of how this disorder creeps in, bit by bit, and begins ravaging every part of you until all your left with is the broken pieces left by the chaos wondering what the hell just happened--and, worse, trying to explain your behavior when even YOU don't understand it. My story is so similar, she put into words so well what's so hard to look back and see in perspective. What a great testimony to courage and recovery. Bravo Nicole!

If the author of this article would be willing to email me, I would greatly appreciate it. My anonymous email is k.goldbay@gmail.com and I will give u my university email once we confirm each other's credibility... Lol (I think you actually understand this!)

Krista, I sent you an email

Thanks for writing this. It helps to know I'm not alone in my struggle.

Thanks so much for sharing. I felt like you were telling my story and mixed emotions. I've been diagnosed bipolar for about 14 years now and have had several hospitalizations for medication management when I was having episodes or suicide attempts. Of my 3 children, 1 is now grown, and the other 2 are older teenagers. I look back painfully and thank God that they still love me and want to be around me after what I put them through. I still struggle with relationships but am currently married. I worked successfully for periods but changed jobs often for 20 years and now receive disability as my rapid cycling (mostly depression) has caused me to not be able to work. I find staying home harder, or maybe its my age (I'm 43) and can't tolerate the cycling and depression as I once did. I have been on every medicine out there...some work for short periods but am now off of everything but klonopin for anxiety because I feel like all the meds for so long have hurt me more than helped. I did great for a little while when I got off and stayed hypomanic but I felt good. Now depression has set back in and it seems to hit me harder eveey time. I am in outpatient therapy but do not have the support or understanding needed at home so it is hard. How do I get through it? Because I promised my kids I would. Simple but difficult. The guilt you spoke of still haunts me and I cant catch myself making the mistakes until it's too late and there is only a mess to clean up when I can think clearly. It is difficult to live with but you are stronger than you know and you are definitely not alone though it feels that way sometimes. I wish you the best and pray that you find some peace and can stay regulated on your meds.

Nicole our stories are very similar as I was just diagnosed this fall with BP1 at the age of 31 after going through 6 months of mania/paronia/delusions and then the crushing down fall of the depression. But now I FINALLY feel sane. After self medicated myself for over a decade with Vicodion now I am on proper meds Geodon, Klonopin and xanex. For the first time in the longest time I can say I feel like I am fully in remission and it feels like I kicked BP1 butt. Some people can go years in remission and I would love to be one of those and do what is needed to stay healthy. Hang in there! Best wishes, Niki

Thank you

Our stories are quite similar! But we made it! Here we are! We are survivors :)

Tomorrow I start medication for the first time. I have had 27 years of chaos. I am ready.

Im struggling to bring myself to get help. But im terrified, thank you for writing this. It gives me hope. Im 24, married for the second time with 3 kids whom i love so dearly, but know they deserve so much better than me. I hope i can be brave and do what you did, one day.

I am almost 30 and pretty sure this is me... I was a trainer and into holistic health and alternative medicine.. I have been engaged for almost 2 years now. We have been through 10 weddi NV venues and I can't pick one. Moving 4 hours from home and getting engaged has proven to be more than I can handle. I have been through 3 jobs and I'm falling apart. He travels for work and I am a mess when he is gone, the three dogs and I. I really don't want to be admitted and I am afraid to lose my life but my loved ones are all beyond worried, they are exhausted including my fiancée. He wants children and I'm refusing because of my mental state.. I want more for my potential future children. I'm in limbo and I feel like I'm slowly dying. I know it sounds dramatic, but I'm hurting. And I'm afraid. And I feel alone even though he assures me I'm not.

I'm an thirteen and for the past year I have been very depressed. No. I don not want to talk to a shrink or a teacher or my parents. I suspected for a while that it wasn't jut depression. Some dad I could be on the sun an others I struggled to get out of bed. One minute I'm really down and the next moment I'm ecstatic. Some moments I get so angry that I just want to actually kill people. I have no idea what's going on with me. The only thing that really made sense would be bipolar disorder. And it's not normal teenage depression and anger.

Hi Maize, you should talk to your doctor about this and he can refer you to someone who specializes in bipolar disorder if necessary. You could also learn more about bipolar here: http://www.ibpf.org/learn and http://www.ibpf.org/i-have-bipolar-disorder 

So happy for you & your very brave but you now know what you have & knowing there is much help for you out there! I am now 45 & just realizing after yearsnofnsuffering that i as well may also have bipola as it was also a huge part of my moms life who now has passed but suffered for years as well! Thanks for your sharing as believe me your helping many find themselves as well! God bless±

Thank you. I have been battling manic episodes and depression afterwards for some time now... I'm 45. I stopped seeing my doctor and counselor almost a year ago; thought I was strong enough to handle everything on my own... Again. Knowing this wasn't smart, all hell began to break loose (again) about three or four months ago. After reading your words, I called and set an appointment today. I'll see the doctor on Monday. Thank you.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was about 20 years old. It all started whe I was 18, i was preagnant and lost my baby. After that everything in my life changed, i would not leave my room i didn't eat much. And i only slept ariund 1 or 2 hours a day. One morning i woke uo talking to myself and having halucinations. I was having suicidal thoughts over the next two weeks it got worse, until I told my boyfriend about it.
i was checked in to the hospital and slept for about two weeks straight i remember people coming in and out of the room. And for the first time after what happened with my baby, I cried.
The process was soo painful, i was kept medicated in my house. Gained weight, I could barely open my eyes.
After about 6 months I started feeling better. At first the doctor said it mas depression because of what had happened with my baby. A year and a half later i was diagnosed with bipolar type 1.
Today I am 25 years old, since I was 19 I have been in the hospital about once a year with crisis. I was on lithium but i was constantly intoxicated. I was prescribed lamotrigine, but turns out im alergic.
Was on seroquel since the begining, first it was 300mg twice a day. About a year back i wad on seroquel 50mg just once a day. I stoped taking it last november because i would sleep all day. Then it was just 25mg of seroquel a day, after a while a just could not wake up becauseof the medication. One day i just decided to stop on january. I was feeling great, no mood swings, nothing. About 3 months ago I started getting very agressive with people. Which is something rare in me, I put my life in danger by driving in a horrible anger state. But about an hour after the anger episodes i would start feeling drained i had no energy and would cry for weeks.
I am in therapy at this moment, my psychologist says i need to see the psychiatrist. To put me back on medication, now I know i should have never stopped taking it.
I honestly have never felt soo hopeless, this has been by far the hardest struggle i have faced.

Hi everyone, My name is Simon, I'm 20 years old. I'm a professional footballer here in England. I just found out i am bipolar. I had a couple of mood swings that led to minimal suicudal thoughts, so i moved in with my Aunt and Uncle. But now i just can't seem to get along with them because sometimes i'm happy and partically social and other times its like everything they say annoys me so much and i just have trouble controlling everything. its not really something i've been able to talk to anyone about and i don't even know where to start from with getting help cause heading into a hospital will definitely have a negative effect on my career. does anyone have any suggestions? cause honestly i'm dealing with this alone and its difficult.

Hi Simon, you might find this blog helpful called Advice for the Newly Diagnosed. We also have a free book that covers all of the basics about living with bipolar disorder. Those two resources are a great starting point. If you have any other questions you can email Heather at hzupin@ibpf.org

I could easily be the subject of this story, except I have 5 kids and am only now realizing the extent of my problem....I went to the doc and he suspects the same diagnosis. The only problem is that since ive started meds almost 2 months ago for depression every person I talk to aggrivates me and I am increasingly paranoid about people talking about me. I don't want to get to the point of a breakdown. I think im on the wrong meds but im afraid my doc will just think im trying to get drugs. Or have me committed and I cant afford to miss the work for that, I have too many mouths to feed! How can I get ahold of my senses?

I applaud your honesty and also the way you wrote, so direct, so honest. I am not English speaking, so my writing might be a bit cumbersome to read. I am a 55 year old male born in 1960 and I am also a Bipolar1 diagnosed person. I had such a turbulent life, but was so lucky that my parents knew and understood that I had a problem and is "special". As a small child I suffered from anxiety to such a degree that I could not be seperate from my parents. I also suffered from obsessive compulsive behaviour, so much so that it became debilitating for me and my parents as well as siblings. Most importantly I had a lot of unpredicted behaviour where I disrupted

I know I need help. I know Im bp but I just dont have time to see anyone. Ive ruined my entire life. I have 2 kids and they dont deserve this. I wish I can snap my finger and be normal.

Hi Marie I have said all those exact words... and I am still trying to process the information that my girlfriend has been sharing with me about my behaviors. I am beginning to realize there is no easy way to fix this. I have two beautiful Daughters and vow not to give up for them and the others in my life who love me. I pray you can find the time and courage to seek help as soon as you can cause I know our loved ones need you too. God bless.

God help us! I also was diagnosed with Bipolar I. It has been a nightmare for my loved ones and me. I would not wish this on my enemies...even though I know they are following me everywhere. I hope you are better now. I am trying to get better too. God bless you again. I've learned it is a disease. Meds are key, I understand now. I hope you have found the right ones for you. I am still struggling a lot. Been hospitalized a some...but I have hope for you and for me and everyone else with this.

Stupid me I quit taking the meds because I didn't like the side affects after 7 years... I went from 215lbs to 148lbs in 5 months and the manic monster came back. I lost reason and told everyone I was fine. I finally crashed from it and called for help and new prescriptions the next day, that was just two weeks ago, I have started to feel better but still cannot stand things out of place or dirty...
Maybe some day I will be normal

Thank you so much for your story Nicole. Even a couple years later people are still referring to your story. You give people hope. I had pretty much the same experience. I have been home for 5 days after spending 9 days at UNI. My husband had to hold down the fort with our 2 and 3 year old daughters. He has suffered greatly by this but has stuck by me. I would love an update, some info on the struggles you have had since then, etc. I am going to check in with NAMI for a support group but I would sincerely enjoy chatting with you. parklanebysteph@gmail.com I have additional questions on how you are doing what you have experienced since then regarding mind, body, spirit, relationships, etc. Thank you muchas for your strength and courage to post your story. You are an inspiration. (hugz)

I. Only 12 years old and I think in bipolar I know your thinking it's just puberty it this has been my whole life depression feeling worthless thinking of suicide and I don't know how to tell my parents an and I already have a therapist for anxiety but how will she or my parents being able to help plz answer asap I need help.

Hi Kolleen, thank you for reading our blog. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. You are on the right track by already seeing a therapist for anxiety. Your therapist will be a great resource to help you figure out whether or not you have bipolar and what to do next. At your next appointment you should talk to your therapist about why you think you might have bipolar disorder. Be open and honest and explain things that have happened that make you think it's more than just anxiety.You might want to write down some notes ahead of time to help you remember. 

The therapist will talk to you about your symptoms and how to talk to your parents about it. They might also recommend that you see a psychiatrist, and they will explain how that process works and what will happen. 

If you are having serious thoughts of suicide such as having a plan and having the things you need for that plan, you should call the crisis line at 1-800-273-8255 or you can also text them by texting START to 741-741. If you are not suicidal but want someone to talk to you, we recommend the website 7cups.com which is a free online chat with trained listeners. 

My question is how do I tell my therapist she thinks I'm happy and bubbly and would never believe me
Kmkelly1q2@gmail.com If u can email me thanks

I understand all of your struggles.
I have been diagnosed for ten years now.Just this week had a depressive episode but I know that things will get better.Just keep trying and don't give up please.

im 47...been on meds since i was 24. they art starting to not work. my marriage is in a shambles. my health sucks. and sitting behind me is the contents of 72 hour kits in 5 containers all over the table and i just got kicked out of my job and a facility...so tell me then what?

Wonderful telling of your story Nicole. It was like looking back when my disease started. My bipolarness started with a complete psychotic break from reality. Fearing my life was in danger. That people were out to get me. That I was going to die. That I could trust no one. Delusions so complex that they are unintelligible even to me the thinker. Luckily the hell i was living did not last and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was placed on Psychiatric hold at a really good hospital and was diagnosed bipolar. Not sure how to take it because at first I was unconvinced. Then I stopped my medication for almost 4 months I was fine. But then the weight of the world hit me like a ton of bricks and I became psychotic again. I must have written the same letter to my grandpa a hundred times crumpling up the paper every time I made a mistake my handwriting unrecognizably not me. I'm grateful to now have some level of sanity with medication. Although negative feelings and thoughts constantly invade my life at least I can choose not to entertain them. I've been taking Latuda for about two years now and I like it much better than my last I was eating too much sleeping too much and gaining weight. If anybody feels like things are out of control know that you are not alone and we have all been there and things will get better!!

Thank you so much for sharing! Altough I am (probably) younger, and do not have keeds, I can totally relate. I didnt sleep, ate little and played the guitar for hours and hours. I put up my computer and recorded myself as I played a concert at a big arena. Also: HEAVY spending, paranoia and everything else on the list. Again, thanks for sharing!

Hi. Im 35 years old and spent 34 of those years in a manic, psychotic, paranoid, fearful of my own shadow but at the same time angry at the world. I would constantly unwittingly cause myself trouble. During the moments when i wasnt suicidal i had severe mania where ive made life altering decisions, alot with negative consequences. Going up until a year ago when i was finally diagnosed, i really had no idea that bipolar was the culprit. I used to bounce around from dr. To dr. Explaining my ailments and leave with a diagnosis of depression and generalized anxiety disorder, usually coupled with a bottle of ssri lime celexa that worked for maybe a month each time. I have to say i am truly grateful for finally getting a diagnosis i can work with, attack with a plan, use coping skills etc... i was put on lithium and luvox, i have o.c.d. also and was told its a fairly new drug that helps with that. Not so much but i am graciois my therapist and i have drawn up a blueprint to combat this. I was leveled out for about 9 months and feeling really even. It was like i could finally take a breath and enjoy that moment. Lately im crashing into depression and its rapid cycling with anger almost turning to self sabotage... it sucks! Its like i forgot every thing i learned and dont even know the first step to get back on track of feeling good. I havent fully let it kick my butt yet and thats because i do have a strong drive to return to that warm emitional place. Ive learned that diet for me has everything to do with emotional well being. I still force myself to exercise at the gym. I guess im just hoping that this happens sometimes and its not something ive lost for good? Any comments much appreciated

I'm still confused by it all. ~3 yrs since diagnosis. Being "happy", is very close to being "manic", and I like being happy. Really gotta know when that tiny little fine line is coming up and hope you don't cross over it... It's a dance...

Thanks for being brave and opening up to share your story

I have had bipolar since I was 23 years old, I think (when I am at this state it is dificult for me to remember things) I think I'm depressed. It is when I'm depressed that it's difficult for me to remember things. I just went to a state of mania though when I tried to do everything the bible said and I thought I was talking to God by texting with him through my phone, everything went sour when I though the enemy (Satan) was in my thoughtsHas anybody ever had this happen to them? Also I think all of my thoughts are in the lower left part of my head. Just looking for some understandin

I accept.
I’m getting back on meds.
Noticeable triggers.
Ah babble.
Keep calm and bipolar on.
Thank you for this post.
I see. I see my bipolarity.

I first want to say how much love and understanding I feel towards all here {Im probably hypomanic). I am 61 years old and
JUST diagnosed bipolar 2. ALL these years Ive fooled people, including myself, riding just under the radar with my happy exuberant but sometimes antisocial(!) personality. At age 58{!} I lost all control after my Mother died and our only child left for college out of state. My (self medicating)drinking became excessive...I made some wreckless, impulsive decisions( total mania in hindsight) and kind of wrecked my life. Subsequently suffered from debilitating anxiety.....actually hallucinating (audio and smelling things) and finally debilitating depression, as in stay in bed, not talking, for almost 2 years. I wanted to kill myself but could not come up with a sure proof way: Im an RN and know most suicide attempts fail....Im also anti guns and don't know how to tie a knot to hang myself. I thought about walking into traffic on an interstate but had enough mindset to know I couldn't do that to a driver.
There were a confluence of life events that overwhelmed me.....basically into what they used to call an nervous breakdown. I refused care (of course) and caused terrible worries for my family and loved ones. Its just so bizarre...I would not hurt a flea....I knew I was hurting my family...but I was so F ing out of it that I couldn't stop.
I suspected Bipolar bc my "depression" was not responding to any of the ususal meds....and all I remembered was how "happy" and "up" I used to be.
After many months I finally got out of bed and saw a paychiatrist. I sobbed the entire office visit and the next 3 or 4. After more months of an antidepressant I stopped crying.....but became numb. To everything around me. I still wanted to die.
Then one day it CHANGED. No kidding. A thought came into my brain.....I started thinking it through....in 24 H I was OUT OF BED.....TALKING....making plans etc. All my loved ones rejoiced....the religious ones saying it was a "miracle". I believe in "God" but I knew deep down this was a major shift in brain chemicals. I returned to psychiatrist who could not believe the change in me ( duh.....BIPOLAR here). I wasn't sleeping, was talking really fast and having (happy) racing thoughts. SHe put me on a med to calm me (mood stabilizer) etc and I now feel so much better.
At 61 yrs old I understand this is just the way it is and I may be dealing with more roller coaster rides in my life. But thank you for listening. I DO believe there is hope for people like us. For what irs worth here I am and God love you, so are YOU if you've read this far. I think we can do this.

I am 60 years old and have been told by doctors many times that they thought I was bipolar. Every time it scared me! It was like the doctors were telling me I was broken! I have lived a life of ups and downs! So severe! When I would get manic I would go into a buying frenzy! I have so many items that I don’t need! Like six amplifiers that I need to put together but the problem is I have to be in expert amplifier technician to build them and I am not! Sure felt like I was when I ordered them. My doctor, bless her heart… She tricked me! I’ll never forget how much and she help me! She gave me of all drugs... Lithium! You know that drug they give crazy people! That’s how I felt anyways but thought to myself that it wouldn’t hurt me and after not seeing any results I would easily quit in a few weeks time. A few weeks time… A few weeks time is all the time for the miracle to happen! My sleep cycles got incredible! My mood stabilized! Things that used to upset me stopped upsetting me! Maybe I was broken and now I am fixed? I’ve only been on my medication for two weeks… Time will tell of course but for now, it’s like life is brand new and a song lyric comes to mind... loving every minute of it!

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