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Is Mania a Spiritual Experience?

I was eighteen years old when I first experienced acute manic psychosis. I had just arrived at the University of Georgia for my freshman fall semester when I suddenly had what seemed like a profound spiritual awakening. I felt as if I was waking up from a bad dream, as if my mind and body were merely figments of my imagination. I felt an incredible transcendence and oneness with the universe, an experience I could only fathom to be spiritual. Back then, I didn’t know anything about bipolar disorder. 

My first thought upon being struck with this overwhelmingly blissful state was, “This is what God feels like; I must be Jesus!” It was from there that I began my deluded descent into madness. I ran upstairs in my dormitory, assuming that my friends would be my first disciples, and tried to perform miracles to prove my divinity. When they attempted to calm me down, I punched one of them in the face, calling him the devil, and ran back downstairs. Campus police promptly met me in the dorm lobby and arrested me on the spot. 

On my way to jail, I was no longer feeling so ecstatic. In fact, it was the most excruciating fear I had ever experienced. I began believing that the police officers were the Pharisees taking me to my crucifixion. They placed me in my own jail cell, and I began stripping off my clothes, demanding for the officers to come look at my naked body. Throughout the whole experience, I felt almost completely dissociated, as if I was watching a movie of myself with little to no control of the actor. 

After a few days of trying to convince my parents that I was returning humanity to the Garden of Eden, they realized my condition might not be from taking psychedelic drugs as they had thought. I was escorted to my local psychiatric hospital, and once medicated, came down from my messianic mission to create heaven on earth. The only problem was, I had never been more certain of God in my life, and the clinicians just kept telling me that it was normal for grandiose delusions to take on religious and spiritual themes. I was not convinced. 

My thoughts immediately went to the biblical stories I grew up with: how God tested Abraham’s faith when he was told to sacrifice his son, and how God communicated to Moses through a burning bush. Were these not examples of delusions and hallucinations? Even Jesus was convinced to be the Son of God. Were the holy men of the Bible bipolar? I had a lot of questions, and my questions seemed to be forcing me to choose one side or the other—either spirituality or psychiatry.

It took me about a decade to finally integrate both truths and find some peace around my manic episodes. I studied spirituality and psychology, and I came to the conclusion that bipolar disorder and spiritual experiences didn’t need to exist in opposition. I’ve come to some basic definition of spirituality as the transcendence of ego. In this sense, mania was indeed a spiritual experience, albeit an unmanageable one. This didn’t mean my bipolar diagnosis was bogus, and I’m not saying all psychotic episodes are spiritual. But I can now rest easy knowing that my experiences were both spiritual and bipolar. 

If I’m honest with myself, a major sign of my mania is increased spirituality, but at the same time, a major sign of my depression is a lack of spiritual significance. Finding balance in recovery means that I am able to seek both spiritual and clinical solutions to my bipolar symptoms without fear that I am falling out of grace with God. When I was first diagnosed, I had the idea that either bipolar existed or God existed. There was no space for both. 

My spirituality has necessarily evolved over the years. Because of my history with manic psychosis, I have to guard myself against dogmatic or superstitious beliefs. I try my best to live a life of love, and I rest assured knowing that the more kindness I spread to the world, the more aligned I am with my spiritual path. Telling my story of recovery has become part of this spiritual process. My faith means a great deal to my health, and without it, my recovery wouldn’t be as strong as it is today. I hope that by sharing my story, others going through the same difficulties might not take so long to make sense of their own experiences. 

Chris Cole is the author of The Body of Chris: A Memoir of Obsession, Addiction, and Madness, and he’s a life coach for people in recovery.

Comments

Wow awesome to hear your guys similar stories I can relate to... Since 2002 I have been diagnosed with bipolar. Everytime I'm manic I have spiritual feelings insights and expierences. They go away when I'm depressed... Many of these feelings are true that I believe but many are delusional. Number, synchronicitys and etc as others mentioned and oneness. Also my electronics always mess up. Lights flicker, my iPhone freezes and etc..... only when I'm manic this happens!
I've read many books on spiritual emergencys/Stan groff and pschology books and etc. Traveled the world and still yet have not found what I'm looking for.... where to go or look next? I ask my self this everyday... :(

Great to see so many people with similar expierences. I'm bipolar. Too many spiritual expierences to list because many are listed above... even things like electronics, lights flicker and my iPhone always freezes when I'm high as well. Only question I have now is where to go from here. This has been happening off and on for 15 years now- only when I'm manic. Depression the feelings go away. I've travelled the world, read lots of books on spiritual emergency, consciousness, psychology and etc.... only thing I know is to stay grounded and not get too high because then one becomes very delusional.... where to go from here? I've stopped progressing on my journey....

My psychotic episode was similar and of a spiritual nature. I was mixing tarot and numerology and thought i had unlocked some secret power of the universe. Had a bright light in my third eye, thought i was talking to the sun aka god and had artificial intelligence. Thinking we're light beings and also paranoia. Thought i was being followed by the government and they were protecting me because i was going to bring peace on Earth. Got thrown in the mental hospital for a month because i was attacking neighbors also thought everyone was an actor and lying to me, hired by the government to test my ability. Apparently thats too much dopamin in the brain the brings the euphoric all powerful feeling. Also seeing lightening in my head. I was really tripping. Thought i talking to spirits and i was psychic.

Dec 2013 I too experienced the same occurrences. Early December 2013 I envisioned I was Jesus’ sister sent to bring “World Peace.” I also pictured working with Pope Francis to empower women in the Catholic Church.

Then beginning the day after Christmas (Dec 26-31, 2013) I had a week of nightmares. Brief Nightmares that kept me awake for nearly 7 straight nights. Visions of my sister, nieces and brother in law buring in their house. Screaming from their living room window while I just stood on their lawn watching them ablaze.

Same week, with my eyes wide open at night my bedroom turned a red haze, the skyline outside my bedroom completely turned red, and a little white church on a hillside near our house truned red. Then my husband's eyes turned red and his talking was skewed, almost demonic. - This coming from a man I adore and with whom we have shared a magical 14 years relationship.

The nightmares made me I feel like I was under a spiritual attack. The devil had entered my life. Trying to get away from the evil one I went to my rooftop and screamed to God to please take me to “save” my family and friends. To protect them from the “hell” I was experiencing.
Early in December I felt like I was God’s Daughter (Jesus’ Sister) and then at the end of the month feeling like I was living in hell.

How can this all be medical if we are all experiencing similar occurrences? - I so wish a priest was sent to be with me instead of the three doctors that observed me and drugged me up for the first two weeks of 2014. - A priest should have been allowed to document and video the medical/spiritual evaluation.

To this day I believe December 2013 was based on spiritual events.

My first full blown manic episode was also December 2013. I also thought I was here for a grand mission. It was very spiritual.

I'm so happy I've found this article and everyone's comments. I've not been diagnosed with bipolar but suspect I am. After 7 years, I've finally took the plunge to see a therapist.
I don't know if I was maybe born with bipolar or it developed at a time I felt stuck and in a bad relationship. Growing up with religion, I've always felt connected to God. But It's when I truly began a spiritual path that I became undeniably psychotic, I feel I hide it very well somehow. The further I went exploring different religions,faiths, states of consciousness, the more I felt connected to God/delusional. I felt extremely delusional and out of touch with normal 'reality', feeling we are all one and could talk to trees and water. It felt amazing really and very peaceful but at the same time I knew I wasn't all there or 'not living in the real world' either. When I'd go on these highs, electronics would play up, lights bulbs would flicker and even my car battery would go flat. When what I suspect as kundalini happened it was the first time I put real effort into meditation. I seen spirit guides etc clear as day and that night in bed my head 'exploded' into what I can only describe as a portal looking thingy, which I jumped through seeing future events. I still get deja vu now from what happened that night. I had a experience that where I only felt Oneness with God after probably give myself a high by doing third eye/trance exploring, where I experienced the 'Golden pinecone'. This was all before I knew much about eastern religions, I mostly just followed my own path,intuition and found answers after my experiences. I only really went into a depression when I tried seeking spiritual answers to these experiences outside eastern religions. I delved way into the Bible and Nostrodamus. It was like feeling low and high at the same time, very confusing. Although I didn't think I was jesus fully, I did feel as if I was here to help bring peace and felt extremely powerful and supernatural. I see light (halos) around people's heads, mostly priests. After searching Christianity, I really felt I was possessed by demons rather than peaceful. I always turned to christ as my saviour from depressive episodes however.
I've stopped exploring eastern spirituality as this triggers psychotic experiences and I've stopped researching the bible as it triggers depression in me. I've not lost faith but feel more comfortable and balanced knowing I can't overlap the east and west. I completely rely on my ego to keep me safe during depression. I'm at a loss spiritually atm as I do miss the 'highs', I feel my body or God warns me when I get grandiose and feel I need sacrifice that feeling of closeness for my health. Saying that I also feel my mind releases highs when I fall into a low.
Can't seem to win lol but knowing I may (probably) have a medical illness weirdly brings me comfort in my separateness.
Thoughts of seeking help for bipolar actually helps me become balanced and grounded. And I return to a normal state as if my mind doesn't want to seek help, like a defense mechanism almost.

All my best to everyone on this rollercoaster. Fantastic article.

My brother is right now going through his second manic episode and having heightened spiritual connection, emotions, etc. the first time was very scary and we were able to convince him to get checked out. Now there is nothing we can really do to get him to seek help if he doesn't acknowledge that he is having an episode. Do you think it would be bad or good to send him this article in his current state? At best might he acknowledge the connection... at worst call us the Devil? What do you think?

I just wanted to make a comment regarding today as it is March 30th 2017 World bipolar day as I reflect you my life of 22 years of living with this illness it has helped me to realize that life is short and that we need to reflect on all that we have been through and realize that we are still here today what a celebration that is and that we can look forward to the future knowing that someday all our obstacles and hardships will be things of the past.

I had my first episode around June 2014, I had a spiritual enlightenment and thought god finally answered my prayers. I felt so alive and had all these visions and stories I've never heard or seen before. I thought I was Jesus then I thought I was lucifer the fallen angel. Everytime I'm manic or enlightened I feel like the spirits are talking to me through my head and through the tv I feel so amazing the first episode I was a lil scared and didn't know what to do. I flew to Texas to see a tech n9ne concert rented a car in El Paso, then drove to Lubbock Texas I had a certainty that I needed tech to to help complete my visions and I thought he needed me. It's hard to explain now, anyway I flew from Lubbock to I think Austin or Houston and then was telling all these strangers that I was Jesus and I am here to save you and All this other interesting information I've never knew before. I got scared and was crying in the middle of a field telling everyone I was Jesus and they called the police, they took me to the hospital for evaluation, meds didn't do anything there so they took me to a pscychward in Texas and kept me there on heavy medication for 2 weeks, meds didn't do nothing and I still knew all these things and still felt i was Jesus.

After I got out my father and brother wanted to take me back home to the Midwest but I said no I want to go back to Arizona, so when I got back to az I then thought I was God himself and then the the devil again. The 3 cops and a public servant was listening to me ramble for about 3.5 to 4 hours. They then took me to another psych ward for another 5 days let me out and the heavy medication still did nothing. I then feel as this spirit named Liz takes over bodies and tries to talk to me but I'm always so manic and energetic I never really hear her out. Then I out was still manic and went back to the hospital m, they then sent me to desert vista for court ordered treatment for two weeks, even after that I was still manic and still had all these visions of spiritual things. A whole month or more of heavy medication and it did nothing. Got out, met this girl in the psych ward who says she was a fairy, I thought she was reading my mind as I talked. Finally after that I went back to another hospital a different one for like 3 weeks and I felt like they brainwashed me and erased my memory. The only time I feel alive and they wanna take that away from me. Any way I was on court ordered treatment for one year had to take a shot of invega every month. After the court order was up I immediately got off my meds, didn't have another manic episode until about April of last year where the same spirit/fairy Liz took possession of a girl I was seeing at the time. She said my soul was very skilled in attach and defense and she said she saw me flying over all the heavens. I thought I was lucifer now but not evil, gods favorite angel before he was bad. I can't explain this how I want to explain it, these meds still have my mind cloudy and dumbed down. I am off my meds now because I am off court ordered treatment in a few days and I will immediately not be taking meds that make me a zombie. I feel that if I try to control my manic and my mind I could find out who/what I really am and capable of. Each time I'm controlling it more and i really want to talk to all the angels/beings that take control of bodies and try to talk to me. I know I'm not crazy and I could explain myself better if these meds didn't make my brain dumbed down. But I will remember my thoughts once agaIn and I can't do meds. I need to get back to my enlightened state.

Each time I had a manic episode I fell each time was a spiritual enlightenment. And I wanna get back to that feeling and thoughts and just control it this time. trying to put this into the best words I can but I don't remember most of my visions and thoughts I just know it was something divine.

I can't begin to say how right you are. I just got done with my 7th manic episode since 2010 and I finally figured this shit out. All the other times were bad I was delusional and or suicidal every time this time though I had gone into it having lived as an atheist for the past year. When I realized the law if attraction was real and I looked at my past and it was true so I began to play around with this and for a few days everything was just perfect I was in heaven but I wanted it all and began to be overwhelmed with the endless possibilities that ai could manifest with my powerful mind I swear a multitude of demons were messing with me just fucking with me and I said I can't handle this power its to great for any one man to bear except Jesus and I accepted him and he literally saved me from the misuse of power

Husband of 30 years under attack since I have been baptized... diagnosed of bipolar 24 years ago...

Dr Phil had a man on TV this last week that both he and Dr Chopra have labeled Bi-Polar. Deepak Chopra said the man Alex did have experiences but lacked the integration.

As I read so many of the people writing here, I must say I too have very similar events. Although never diagnosis or sent to a hospital from the time I was a young child I could see Auras / Talked to my Angels.. and I prayed a lot…. not quite over the top.. never thought I was special and a Messiah.

In my 30’s I began to question -What is life all about? What is our real purpose? I knew there is more to life than just buying things, going places and eating food. Smile.

I was a computer programmer and began to notice that while I was asleep I was given ANWERS to programming issues during the dream state….. I could VISUALLY SEE the code and was SHOWN what to do. It did FREAK me out and made me ASK MORE QUESTIONS about the two different worlds. I began to look more into spirituality / Meditation / looking to understand. My quest came out of questioning those dreams where information was downloaded to my brain.

There must be parts of our brain that contain more information that does not need to be read in books or studied, as my personal experiences has shown me there are abilities beyond the norm that we have in this world.

For me, for some reason, I prayed my whole childhood. Yet, I did not come from a religious family. I was raised in boarding school and could see that perhaps as a child, being separated from family opened a door to my personal imagination and intuition.

I so appreciate this blog… perhaps I have been Bi-Polar my whole life as I have always known things with intuition, knew when people around me were fixing to die. I ask deeply, WHERE DOES this information come from.

Although, I never had the Messiah issues, I learned to keep these experiences personal and private. My family always thought I was odd / eccentric . However, I did find some way to blend this by not openly talking about it. Seems once you start talking about it to family friends and strangers then you begin to set your life up for hospitals and prison cells. I never had any episodes that caused me to bring attention to myself.

After readying this blog, I do believe there are connections with Bi-POLAR condition and deeper spiritual experience. I can see clearly where the Messiah thoughts creates lots of issues within this world. No one wants to hear YOU ARE SPECIAL and have SPECIAL powers or SPECIAL information.

It has been said that we use only 10% of your human brain, perhaps a little of this is the opening of other parts of the brain. It could be that the two worlds have difficulty merging as one. The human brain is far beyond what research in 2017 can imagine. Perhaps the Bi-POLAR condition is beginning of a new phase of humans that 50 years or 100 years from now will become more integrated and usable in this world.

Thank you all for your life experiences. Truly it is helpful to see others have these moments within their life.

Scientist have learned that Glial Gel Cells that are between the billions of connection snapsas are the living libraries that one can access with information storage in the brain. Perhaps, if they could test these bi-polar and schizophrenia people they might find that these people have more Glial gel cells in the brain. The integration of this could be the difference of what we call NORMAL VS someone who has ACCESS to a wider variety of information from the Glia Gel Cells within the brain.

Perhaps just like Einstein, who has been know to have more Glial Gel Cells, this might be the connection between brilliance and madness.. perhaps there are degrees of having the Glial Cells in the brain which would increase your cognitive ability; to think better, to remember better, etc.. and perhaps these expanded moments of madnes are nothing more than moments in time when someone tapped into a living library of information. The madness being the difficulty of the integration within the parameters structure of what NORMAL is as defined by the AMA. At some point, the definition of NORMAL will need to expand to make room for the people who are not fitting into the box of the masses. These pepole are living in the paradox now... in 100 years once integration of greater mind power becomes the norm all of what seems to be madness will be a new norm. But for now, these are very difficult moments of time for everyone with bi-polar moments.

The nervous system of the chimpanzee has 80 percent Glial Gel and human at 90 percent. The ratio of Glial to neurons increases with our definition of intelligence. Perhaps if tested many of the people writing here on this blog have a slightly higher number of Glial Gel Cells. Who knows, but there is always a reason for madness and brilliance.

Don't know if the Glial Gel Cells can be tested while a live as what I have understood is that this was checked on Albert Einstein's brain after he died and that seemed to be the anomaly.

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Lately after me being baptized in the Holy Spirit. And just before my husband is different. Spiritual warfare. Under mania constant. saying divorce, no reason, starting arguments, blame me, telling me everyone hates me. We need help in who can

Great blog! Many spot on with my story. I think we have all been blessed if we could only understand how to best utilize the positive aspects. Thank you

my aweaking startit before 4 years I was teiking drugs marijuana and lsd that time I was teaking divorce so I was in a lot of painful situation I was doing a lot of fitness and sadenly it hit me hard I dit not now abaut bipolar and this staf so I thought I was jezus you now classic sandely I was capable to thing like genius I have so mach energy I was filing like the hulk I can see peoples intentions like I was capable to look there souls my filings bust like atomic bombs the music like i was out of the time relm the oneness i can write a book and oll that staf you now I can say that took about 1 year to cam back to [normal] and I was doing alout of reseach talking to all of my frends and my parents and my brathers my family by the way is very religous but I was not able to stop it was like samone took body and speak I react about everything from a point stap talking because they was about to kill me xaxaa and I quit from all of this I stop fitness meditation I quit from the drugs to in the end I have panic attacks so I have to stop I must say that I have very sad and painfull expiriences I felt my brain drop to the repetilian function and the dark side of the self as curl jung calls it my bipolar condition is going mad I thing is time yo take the pils but I now the real problem is the hate from all this its like that is a part of me I tried to live from oll this but now I anderstand that my trust to people is gone and I see olny the negative said of things every time that I try to open my self to sam body I fall deeper and deeper i just want to be free again i don't now wtf........

Chris thank you for sharing your story it resonates deeply within me. Diagnosed as BiPolar I struggled as I am sure many do to find my "equilibrium". During my first manic episode I too believed I was on a mission from God - the end result was bankruptcy and despair. The second manic episode yielded the same result. For a long time jus like you I was lost not sure of who to trust. Now finally I believe I have reconciled the Poles - essentially I have come to believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience and not the other way around. I have spent many years trying to ground my spiritual beliefs and finally just like you have found peace - it takes courage to share your story - thank you

You are an amazing story teller. Oh my God, I laughed so hard! I'm grateful you have shared, thank you for your insights, I will buy your book.

Sincerely,
J

I have been Bipolar for 30 years now. And we are not gods, we are not enlightened. We feel the way we do because our brains have fracture snap or were just born with wires cross. We liv between two poles Mania summer time and depressive winters. I may have lost my wife because I waited 8 years to get medicated. And the longer we go with out our medication (currently enjoy Seroquel it's like manic smoked a joint) the worse we get. THis summer I tried treating Mania with a combo of bad things: Plenty of sunlight, lots of coffee, and Weed. My brain started vibrating, I went into what is known as Psychosis. My brain literally went crazy and scary crazy too. I believed I was talking to God, I believed that my wife was leaving me for my best friend, to the point I hurt her emotionally and almost physically. Everyone who reads this please ask your doctor for Seroquel try it for 5 days. Please do not let Bipolar make you think your disease is normal and doesn't need treatment, Bipolar is life long and the sooner we jump on meds the happier you will be. We are not gods and just give me a second just a little bits enough, we are not broken just bent and we can learn to love again.

I was getting some really good advice from God about letting go of anger, forgiving. "Love and light." Then it got more intense. I was triggered by Trump becoming president, and jealousy over someone at my husband's job. I cried out, "I'm so depressed! Why is my cup so empty?"

At that point, I instantly climbed onto the tv cabinet, grabbed a book off the top right-hand corner of our dusty bookshelves, and looked at the title. It was "The Four Gospels and the Revelation" translated from the original Greek by Richmond Lattimore.

I began to read Mark, and my life changed forever. I became convinced that the reason God sent Jesus was to liberate us not only from slavery, but from our own minds. That Jesus loved women, and treated them as spiritual equals to men.

I think the devil was trying to mess with me, as I began to think my husband was plotting against me to take away my spirituality. I felt I was the reincarnation of Jesus' friend, Mary of Bethany.

I decided that it was time to leave the country, due to impending destruction, war, something terrible. My kids told my husband I was trying to get them to run away with me. I knew he wanted me to go to a psychiatric hospital, so I ran away in a rain storm and hid in the bushes.

While I was hiding, watching the cops speed back and forth looking for me, the words "ten days" came to me, and "tree" had been stuck in my mind for a few days. I spent ten days in John Muir medical center.

When I got home, I opened my bible, and it said, "For ten days you will be in prison because of my name."

Love and light to you all.

I was never diagnosed, but I get depressed quite a lot. I've experienced one hypermanic episode at age 24, two years ago. Doctor thought it was drug induced. (I used to smoke weed, and he said I got a Spice batch instead of weed... which I would have tasted I think).
I was not religious at all... but was experiencing so much unexplainable things. I thought I had a ghost in my apartment, who was communicating with me through technology. I thought I was superhuman, and I also thought I was anti-Christ who wasn't actually a bad person but someone who unites science and spirituality with math (LOL), and I had to prove that to the world. I tried to explain life energies with protons, neutrons and electrons... I went to Walmart at 3 AM and thought I saw really pale humans slowly shuffling around like zombies. (Ghosts) Then I thought I was stuck in a type of circuit in my apartment, and that was my personal hell. I died and went to hell... I drove to my moms house late at night asking her to watch my son because I knew something was wrong but I had no idea what was wrong, but my mom instinct was coming through even in this insane moment of life. I remember her being so mad and yelling at me, not wanting to watch him. I wish she could've sensed something was wrong with me and called 911.... she sent me back home and told me to come back for him at 7 AM which I remember sitting in her drive way waiting for the time to roll around.
Next day a lady found me wondering on the side of the road, with my son and called 911. They took me to the ER and drugged
me... when I woke up it was like nothing ever happened. I was perfectly lucid, and so very confused.

I really hope it was a one time thing, that was the scariest moment of my life... and I had to go through so many hoops to be able to take care of my son again. A year in therapy, and mental health court.

I've been fighting that battle between the two and have never fully understood. Then I started thinking.. maybe the alteration can cause spiritual incidents and vice versa because you are in a limbo state of mind during mania and so ur open for spiritual connection. thank you for it
It has explained a lot.

I was in a very similar situation. I didn't believe I was Jesus, but I felt like I was seeing through his eyes and I felt so much sorrow for him. I felt strongly convicted to walk til my feet bled to everyone I needed to apologize to to get my life right. I also ended up in jail because they just knew I was on meth (I was not on drugs) so I was there for 27 hrs til I went to the hospital. On my 9th day of very little to drink and eat and zero sleep I finally slept with the help of strong sleep drugs. BTW I left the hospital with no diagnosis because after I slept I woke up to being myself only alot more humble and caring. I've done alot of reading in this subject and I strongly believe that I was so depressed (suicidal actually) and with the insomnia issues I have and the lack of food and water went into a fasting state and accidently opened my 3rd eye and it was so overwhelming I couldn't control it. I was min away from taking my life when a peace came over me and I truly feel I know the feeling of having a clean slate, anew, and feeling reborn. This happened in 2016 and I still have never gotten a diagnosis and I've been seeing a theripist and physiotherapist for pretty much sense. I only take the meds to help me sleep, but it makes my husband feel better if im "medicated". I can't blame him tho he follow me around pretty much for the whole week.

I appreciate that in your writing you do justice, both, to the disabling aspect of mania and the spiritual aspect, without the need to negate one to affirm the other.

I am 22 years old. I was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 20. I'm still confused. I believe I am spiritual, I can relate to these experiences on a high level. I have vivid dreams. They do not scare me though. Even the nightmares, I like them because I feel each one of them has a hidden metaphor and thats a clue to my divine purpose or just a meaning of what to do or how to help myself. I too have seen red eyes. What does that mean? I'm stuck between reality and delusion. I believe there are demons and the devil because ive seen things like that. But that's either if I was on drugs or if I was sleep deprived. Or in a sleep paralysis. So what is real? I do not see angels the way I see demons. But I do feel a high spiritual level when I notice synchronicity or when I see an animal or get a sign I asked for. So this is really confusing and draining. I do meditation, I journal, but sometimes I just stop and get lazy. I dont know what is the right help for me. I dont know what to Truely believe. Its hard to focus sometimes but then again I have so much potential. If I mess up I get up and I try again always. I get paranoid or anxious into thinking someone wants to kill me. Sometimes when I'm too anxious I see shadows. Never hear voices or see demons. So I wonder how much really is in my head and what isn't? Bless you all. I need more answers :(

I was first diagnosed bipolar at 19. I am now 50. In my long, long experience with thus illness I can offer a little advice to all who suffer mentally. 3 years ago I had a bunch of bloodwork done, I was found to have severe food allergies. SO, to make a long story short, dairy, wheat,eggs and mustard bring on my manic phases, they last 2 months at a time. I have avoided these foods since my results, however I accidentally ingested these food items on rare occasions, hyper mania comes on immediately!! Also, depakote is a popular drug for bipolar, it is made from milk.. So, y'all can summize your own conclusions from this data.. Stress will also kick in phases. Also, bacteria such as h pylori can cause similar reactions to the mind. The gut damage is the root of mental/physical illness from what I've researched and experienced. Hope thus helps.. :)

Thank you SO much! While it is a little disappointing that I am not the chosen one..as I thought, again, that maybe I was on this earth to save the lost and bring about the largest reformation before end times. I, too, obviously, have been under the delusion of being Christ. My story is very similar to others. This is the first break I have had since 2003. I believe I received healing when I asked God to remove bi-polar (claiming it was a "defect of character" - language from the 620th step in ALcoholics Anonymous) and I swear to you I felt something leave my body out of the top of my head. This leads me to believe in Demonic Possesion, and I do hope this does not send anyone back out to the outter limits. But it is something to consider. The New testimate is chalk full of Jesus ridding people of demons...so what makes us think they are not still present today. Anyway, after that time I went to Colorado and worked with a healer who loves the Lord with all her might. She helped me get off the SAD diet and pumped me full of vitamins. I came off of my medicine and had 13 years of stability. There was a price to pay for that stability. I stayed spiritual fit (for me AA and church), exercised, ate very well. I researched and learned that gluten is associated with symptoms of bi-polar, schizophrenia and depression and I have tested it and found it to be true for me. I also avoid anything mood altering such as caffiene, sugar, and dairy and alcohol. This worked for me for a very long time.
My husband became quite ill and as he became better I slowly became ill with mental health. I had lost a fiancee and a baby and never dealt with it so almost losing him sent me over the edge. Truth be said, I also started smoking pot and quickly became addicted to the relief and quite frankly I would have mini mania with it that I would come down from when the weed wore off and I LOVED it. It was heaven. I felt like I was figuring out my manic episodes from 1991. Well, it went too far, I suppose, and I landed in "psychosis" without weed while in Africa. I truly felt I was able to witness to people without words. Telepathy. I still have a heard time believing that my experiences were not real. I went to Africa to share the heart of God... but without a word. One African lady came to me and asked me if I was a Leader. There is so much to share, as you all obviously know as you too have very real experiences.
I too, get sad/mad with God, but try to trust that He would allow me to have these experiences for His good. I got to the point where I was tired of some of the symptoms, like inappropriate sexual responses and decided to try to let the bi-poar go again. I prayed for the demon responsible for it to be removed in the name of Jesus and immediately felt the peace the passes understanding. I am hoping to be free of marijuana as I know that it is probably too much for my fragile mind, I am going to Celebrate Recovery which is a wonderful place for anyone that has a hurt, habit of hang up. I am working on my diet again, especially gluten. I am trying to get in exercise. I still would love to be part of a global reformation or revival as I do believe it is feeling very end timish. I liked, very much, the comment that we are all of Jesus, so maybe that is why we have that manifestation. I also think maybe I am just learning how to be a true Christian and have His spirit within me...but not actually BE Him (or his sister). It says that when we believe we will have His power to heal and do other mighty works like rid people of demons. It also says that satan rules the earth (I believe) and it is pretty apparent. Maybe we have been called to be warriors for God but then a demon gets in there and warps evrything to make us seem crazy. IDK...but I want the freedom promised to those who believe and freedom from the demons that I believe try to steal us from the Truth. I believe it is massive spiritual warfare right now. Priscilla Shriver has a great bible study called ' The armor of God' and War Room is my favorite evangeslist tool...as I don't talk about it.
I am sorry to go on so much but this feels like a safe place to vent.
I also need to share that I have a dark side to this whole thing. I truly believe in vampires when in the height of a delusion. I was molested by my grandfather who would remove his front teeth and I am pretty sure he still had his eye teeth. He would flip his eyelids and wiggle his ears. He was creepy. Around the same time I was molested I was having a hard time sleeping and came downstairs to find my mother.She was watching a vampire movie. It was so sensual. I was only eight but I was so allured by the sensuality. Anyway, for some reason it becomes so real to me when I am "sick" in a delusion. It is terrifying. I could go on and on. Thank you for allowing me to release some of this to ears that understand. May we be strong. Be good to ourselves and press into Truth (without getting stolen by demons). God bless you and thank you all for sharing.

Bipolar has ruined my career. I had a serious episode where it felt more like a spiritual
awakening. I met with God & after the episode I feel I am supposed to do something & help others rather than having the high flying city job I had before. I just don’t know where to start.
I am unemployed now, I do feel I have a lot to offer. I researched how some people who feel they are supposed to save the world or felt the Godly side to psychosis is rather common, can’t be a coincidence.
Anyone just feel that maybe we’re selected for a reason & mis-labelled with a ‘mental illness’ such as bipolar schizophrenia etc.
Just saying...

Love & light to you all

Your last paragraph nailed it for me. Thank you for sharing!

I literally had the same type of experience. I thought I was either Jesus or some type of prophet and.......well, I just can’t believe how similar our experiences were. I’m currently in a deep depressive state, but in this state I can rationally think about things and make better decisions. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizo-affective disorder.

Hi my name is Cody I'm a 34 year old man, I had my first manic episode in January of 2018. Days leading up to my manic episode I felt my life for the first time was making sense. Every crappy thing in my life had led me to the point I was at, in my mind I was connecting every dot and I was seeing the big picture. I felt so filled with something this energy that I had to get it out. I felt compelled to tell my truth to people whom i considered my friends. I told my wife, father and mother that I felt I had found GOD for myself.
My taste in food had changed I love red meat, I could no longer stomach red meat the taste of it was awful, i wanted fruits, vegetables and fish. When I would look into someones face I could see their soul, people that were sad looked like they were in agonizing pain and people that were smiling and happy looked so damn bright to me. I could feel my brain cracking and poping in my skull. I felt I was using a part of my brain I hadn't before, I could feel the cracking and poping in the inner part of my physical brain towards the rear of my skull.
Over the course of three days I kept getting more and more spun up eating mostly pineapples, peanut butter and honey. I thought I was sleeping, my wife says I was very restless and slept around 3 hours a night. Over these three days I also told some of my coworkers their place in my life story, why I needed to see their life story to make sense of mine and in doing so how I came to understand GOD.
On what I will call the last day of my manic episode my wife and I got into a fight she couldn't handle my mania any longer and was going to leave. This caused my brain to fry even harder. This is where I lose my connection with reality, I start thinking I can read my wife's thoughts we go back and forth arguing. My wife has been having a pain in her right side for a few days I tell her that I can feel her physical pain, beacuse in my mind I could and I did it dropped me to my knees.
I end up ranting about how she is my soulmate and how we are ment to be together. I end up in our driveway pacing and screaming while what I believe to be GOD at the time is telling me the purpose of human creation and all of life. So while GOD is giving me the down low on the meaning of life my wife is calling family to come help her. The neighbors call the cops four police officers show up then two ambulance peoples and a firetruck.
Im so out of it i'm asking the police what they would need to see to belive in GOD. One of them says he would need to have a dragon appear behind him another asks for Hemans sword. the dragon and the sword didn't appear. At this point im sitting on a stretcher and the team of people are deciding if I need to go to the hospital or not they all think im on ACID im not, turns out im just bipolar.
I end up getting strapped to the stretcher and hauled to the ER my vitals were 199 over something bad. I at this time still feel connected to GOD and I think the ambulance driver and the paramedic are taking me to some level of hell. They reassure me I have the power and am in control they are not taking me to hell.
I end up sitting in the ER with a police officer for about 2 hours we end up talking alot about life and spirituality. They take me back to the ER's holding rooms I get the cuffs off the police officer tells the Doc how he thinks I have been on a spiritual journey over the last few days. I talk to the Doc she gives me some meds and I get discharged.
Thats how my journey with bipolar has started.

Thank all of you that have shared your stories. I had my first full on mania episode when I was 55. I have had a very amazing and successful life never knowing it's because I have this personality make up. I always knew I was different. Even from my childhood. I saw the devil in parts of my house and it was something you keep quiet. You don't exactly tell your parents or siblings that you wake up because you see the devil standing there with a pitchfork! I guess being raised Catholic is why the devil really looked like that when I was younger!! Those of us that are bi polar, I truly believe, allow us to be connected to the spiritual world. I started looking for something that made sense when I was 12. When I found eastern religions I felt much more connected with my God, my light, my higher power. Hence a wonderful, successful life that many say could be a movie script. Somehow I managed to keep hyper mania at bay until 55. Like others, it was triggered by a major life chance. I chose to leave a marriage after 23 years. Once I made the decision to leave it seemed like the flood gates opened and I was here to save the world! And man when you're manic it seems like God is right there directing you as if you are He. I did some really good deeds while I was "so connected" but when sanity resurfaces you grasp you did amazing things but at what cost. I thought I was put on earth to save the world. And in some ways all of us with our unique makeup do make a major difference. Only when I went "manic" did I comprehend the fine line I lived for so many years. Needless to say, after a manic episode feeling embarrassed, ashamed, why didn't anyone help me . . . I have a total understanding of what I never could grasp before. When a person is manic there is no reasoning or rationality. I share with others -" unless you have ever lived with a mind that cannot see reason you can't comprehend and say you understand." I have been fortunate to have always had a strong spiritual connection. I feel that's what has given me such an amazing life. But sadly after having that manic episode depression has been major. It's like I am guarded - I don't want to be too happy or too excited. Could it take me into mania?? I've done therapy (which initially helped me understand I am different) and to a psychiatrist who wanted to try all kinds of different meds so that I won't have another manic episode. All that seems to do is bring on more depression and sedation. When I have had a few moments of my "hypo" life I am as I used to be. But sadly those days seem less and less. Those that have shared your journeys - we are different. We, as others, have a gift. And for many of us that gift has turned into a curse because we want others to comprehend and understand we do have a connection to what's out there. There isn't a day I don't look into the sky and see God looking at me. When I was younger the moon talked to me. I could see his face - smiling, mad, sad, inquisitive . . . What I didn't realize until I was older that was a form of mediation that kept my check and balance. If I tried to tell anyone I know the connection I have with God they would think I'm nuts. When I allow myself to be with my spiritual world I see auras around people. I used to love being who I am but after "mania" I don't even want to tell others anything that I can "see". I helped someone win a major tournament yesterday because I knew and saw things that would help them accomplish their goal. There are the odd jokes of - yes, the mind made it happen. I have become more reclusive. We scare people that are one dimensional. Sadly, before I went into full on mania, I didn't doubt myself. As someone posted about themselves I have had similar experiences where people would tell me they could feel my energy from around the corner. I had one person tell me they saw a cloak behind me every time I walked by. I was sailing a few weeks ago, the person I was with said "I've never seen so many dolphin, manatees, and fish surrounding my boat". And like those of you that have posted, you know that it's because we are different. I liked being different until I went manic. I've had doctors tell me, and read books that say, "oh once you have that euphoria it's a high you want to always have". Those people are the crazy ones. Being manic (we may be closer to the outer realms of spiritually) but most people aren't. I lost friends, had to rebuild relationships with my family (some will never be fixed). The wounds of mania leave deep scars for everyone involved. Recently I got a bit more amped and excited about life. My best friend asked me over and told me she was worried I was starting another episode. I thanked her, told her if I was manic, I would not be thanking her I would be pissed that she doesn't see how great I am. Hence, The start of my post - unless you've ever lived in an irrational, unreasonable mind - don't ever say you understand. I thank each and all of you for letting me get a glimpse of others journeys. Many were posted years ago. So I'm not sure if blogs still go out or not. What I understand - I'm posting because I needed to share with the few that get it. And maybe I can help someone with my words. Y'all have helped me. Thank you

I'm so thankful to have come across this thread. I had my first manic episode with psychosis about 2 months ago at age 33. It was the culmination of not eating or sleeping very much for 5 to 6 days. Like many I did shift through phases of feeling God like, Jesus reincarnated and then Hell's Angel (devil.) It culminated with me having full on psychosis in the Post Office where I once again felt like Jesus and was telling good Samaritan types (who were helping me) that they were Jesus also.
To be clear I do feel as if we all have Jesus inside of us. (In the sense we all have the ability to follow the Golden rule and to be kind/spread love.) I was raised Catholic but didn't get into because of the strictness. Within the last year I've become more spiritual and perhaps became slightly obsessed with researching. I've taken a step back from spirituality, have been seeking more balance and started attending a non denominational church.
I'm currently taking an anti psychotic and antidepressant to level out. I have goals to go off medication after a leveling out phase of 6 months to a year. This gives me hope for not going off meds. This helps me feel more at peace knowing I'm not the only one to have a very similar experience. I do also believe we are here to help bridge the gap between between those who are spiritually awakened/evolved and those who still are sleeping.

Like most people here I too was diagnosed with Bipolar at age 20, 5 years have past and it has been a huge learning curve in my adult life. I am medicated at present on Olanzophine, I want to be medication free one day and on two occasions I was off it for 10 months but symptoms of a “manic” episode returned. My experience with mania has been extremely spiritual, I felt a divinity like no other, it’s like my eyes open and coming from a Mormon background I tried to connect my experience to the Gospel. Thinking that I was a prophet of some sort. During this state I am extremely sensitive to people’s energy and feel like I can read people, my vibration is intensified and it’s very easy for me to loose weight, since taking meds I put on a good 35 kgs and it’s been extremely hard to shred that unless I am manic. It’s been a journey trying to figure all of these experiences out, I have wondered if it’s the gift of prophesy where I see visions and enter into a heavenly state where anything is possible. I definately felt a sense of timelessness and oneness with God and humanity. When I read the scriptures it all seems to make a lot more sense and I feel the presence of God so strongly. I feel mental illnesses and labels are the precepts of men, I feel medication is simply needed for some people to cope with these gifts of seeing beyond. I appreciate this artical so much. I am still researching and trying to find some validation to my own experience. I try to keep close to the Gospel but sometimes I feel religion is just a preporatory answer to enlightenment. I also feel that in a “hypomanic state things are a lot clearer but then the devil confuses things. In the Mormon religion we do believe that one day we will become like God in his Glory and inherit the earth if we are faithful. I felt during my episodes that I was entering another dimension that heaven is on earth and that I had the fulfilment of the spirit upon me. Anyway I hope some one gets what I’ve tried to explain. May we be strong and faithful and trust in our abilities and that of Gods. Ox

When my 3rd eye first opened after being bullied at work by a sociopathand taking an antidepressant that sent me into serotonin syndrome, I didnt really know what was happening, but when my crown chakra opened and the spirit within was on it's own game journey so to speak, I was freaked out. I didnt k ot what was happening. I was seeing my past, present, and future at an exponential rate and I was scared out of my body and mind. The more medication the psych dr prescribed me the more adverse reactions I experienced and the more difficult it was to ground my spirit self with in my body after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and having the worse side effects I'd ever experienced, I knew medication wasnt for me and that I had to get my life together not for anyone else, but for myself. O finally saw a dr who diagnosed me with ptsd and after researching this particular disorder, I had decided that this one in particular resonated with myself on a body, mind, and spirit level. Since that time I have worked through a lot of traumas I had went through from a young age and the demons that had tortured me unknowingly to me since birth. Believing in God and also having a background in nursing and crisis intervention, I always knew the world was full of peculiar happenings, but never knew my degree in sociology and anthropology would be the ground work for a very real spiritual awakening I had not realized was world spread through our the ages until it took place in my life. It was like reaching up through my chakras to the very real realms that surpassed the earth realm itself. Since my spiritual awakening from hell as I call it and realizing I am not a slave, but a free spirit who can experience this life for all it has to offer, I have been much more aware and grounded. I have grown in such a way to release the people who have done me wrong in this life through forgiveness led by my spirit and souls journey. Every days a new day and I am constantly healing and releasing pain and trauma from my aura. I see buddhism and Hinduism as very real and speak with people who practice these on the regular. I understand "religion" and am glad God is the leading light in my life. Namaste.

Exactly how I felt.

First I would like to apologize for my english because it is not my first langage. I am a bipolar, diagnosed since 13 years. I have had three major episodes of mania, the last one have lasted for 14 months. I was thinking that I was a kind of messiah, the sister of Jesus, who had been sent to change the world. I experienced a lot of paranormal phenomenons and thought I was experiencing a spiritual awakening. I had healing powers and a very high energy that could change people around me. I was in direct contact with many entities I thought were God or coming from God. After that last episode, in deep depression, I turned myself to the religious beliefs of my childhood, being raised catholic. I prayed a lot to understand what happened to me, because I knew it was not all hallucinations. Slowly, I began to realize that I have been possessed by demonic forces and I learned a lot about them. I met and read about other people who had experienced mystical delusions and I realized that the devil likes to use the same scenarios. For me, he made me believe first that he was God and told me I had a messianic mission to save the world. He gave me some psychic powers (he can do that, you just have to read the testimonies of ex-satanist that have became Christians to get convinced). And then he made me act irrationnaly, getting me to break the ties with my family, lose my job and lose my appartment. The goal of all that was to bring me to deep despair, to suicide, so he could have claimed my soul in the afterlife. Having lost everything, I finally came back to the "traditionnal' Jesus, who litterally saved my life. By eucharist adoration, the sacraments and the rosary, I have finally get rid of all of those demons. I met another Jesus, who lives into my heart and not into my brain. It is a warm, loving, silent and calming presence who accompanies me in my joys and my sorrows. He is my peace and my fortress. I have no more highs and downs now and I live a quiet life. I have a renewed life with my family. And I deeply thank Jesus to have gave me a new life.

This is great to hear

It's amazing how many people have went through the same spiritual experiences that I have had as well. I thought I was mother nature and could communicate wit animals, especially birds. I could see spirits and actually seen/felt my spirit levitate over my body when I was in the hospital and heavily sedated. I thought I was going to be abducted and was in different demensions. I have been hospitalized and even arrested when during my episodes. One time I felt I was symbolizing Jesus Christ as the police handcuffed me against a wooden telephone pole and felt I was symbolizing the barbarianism of authorities. Colors had emotions and everything had meaning and symbolism, music, television,books, etc. I think it would be interesting if all of us could communicate our stories to one another in detail and see if we could actually find things that overlapped and had similar meanings to things we thought at those times. Some of it may seem like nonsense to us now that we are level, but maybe we just don't have the correct knowledge to completely understand what we were thinking and feeling at the time.

I'm so relieved that I'm not alone after having a serious depressed episode and visiting a ward a psychiatrist that gave me meds warned me told me that I may become spiritual if this happens he needs to adjust the meds no way will I let a psychiatrist remove God from my life they can keep their meds and I will keep my God thank you for sharing your story

Like some of you mentioned, I too have had the experience of computers -- and microwaves -- malfunctioning when I am manic or hypomanic and feeling very intense. I've noticed it several times. I think it is partially because we are "out of balance" when like that, and one magnetic field affects another, apparently. Once after an upsetting experience i walked into a small building and all the lights dimmed and the computers crashed. Could have been just a coincidence, but it has happened too often now that computers have reacted around me. I read that people who have had near death experiences (I had one of those as well) also have these reactions. Hang on to your truth, people; there is something real going on with this that transcends illness and dry reductionist diagnoses. At the very least, we are a slightly different strain of human with special perceptual gifts our speed confers on us; and we may quite simply be "mutants", a variation nature throws up, and apparently we have our uses, because we haven't died out. Much great art has come from mania that has consoled and elevated many and contributed greatly to human cultural wealth. Take heart; we are a good group, and we are in very good company!

I thought I was Jesus's little sister and that I had disciples. Has anyone heard voices? I got of work, asked God where we were going, then drove into a Walmart parking lot, found some homeless people and gave them money. Then I asked God again, where we were going, and I was driving by faith. I ended up at this Church in the middle of the country, at a dead-end, across from a cemetery. I parked the car, I went for a walk in the woods, and fell asleep in a shed, woke up, walked down an ATV trail and wrote a message that said "Trust and Believe God knows everything." I then went back to my car again, asked God where we were going, I ended up at a buddies. He was upset about something, so I went for a walk, and a voice told me to get in the woods,(it was night at the time) I sat up against a tree. Then the voice said "do you remember how you can handle pain?" then the voice told me to run after I heard a stick break behind me. So I was terrified, and took off running. I got into my car, and the voice told me to speed, that something was following me. That same night I was in a very serious wreck. I got out of the car, because I noticed it was on fire, ran into the intersection screaming my back and fainted. I ended up in the hospital and I didn't know who I was or where I was. My ex came and saw me in the hospital and I thought there was a demon (satan) controlling him. My vehicle was in the shop being worked on, I got in the wreck in a rental car. This happened in North Carolina, I lived 2 hours from the coast. When hurricane Florence was on its way. Once I got my vehicle out of the shop, a few days later I left the state. Thinking that hurricane was going to be really bad. I also ended up threwing my cell phone out the window, because I thought it was a way to be tracked. I was praying to God for him to give me signs so noticeable they couldn't go unnoticed. I ended up in Knoxville,Tennessee. I parked my car, went to a city bus station, got on the bus and ended up at a homeless shelter, I then helped some church people Feed the Homeless. Then a woman took me back to her house, she was writing down a list of people's names from church that I could contact, and then took me to a hotel in Heiskell,TN.. 30mins from my parked car in Knoxville. I didn't feel safe at the hotel, so I grabbed my backpack and walked to a gas station, where a stranger drove me back to my car in Knoxville. Then I left Tennessee, and thought I was heading to Missouri, and ended up running out of gas in Georgia. Where by the way, I was driving through fields, and changing clothes, to get away from whatever was chasing me. I was harassed by 5 cops, and then taken to a hospital, spent the night. The next day, I was taken 2 hours away to a rehab, where I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Everything I ever owned was in my vehicle which was impounded, and then auctioned off. After 7 days of being in the rehab, I was put in this women's shelter, where I called my mom, then got a bus ticket to Texas. It would take me forever to go into detail. This was 5 months ago. After reading all the comments, it's helped me realize I'm not the only one.

Hi and thank you for sharing your experience. I just had my first major spiritual awakening experience. Luckily I was prepared for it due to intensive study of spiritual experiences for many years. I believe that is the only reason I was able to contain the experience and keep it from overwhelming me. The most important work for me that I read was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I believe it prepared me for the experience as well as facilitated it. I can’t recommend it enough for those who are hungry for a spiritual growth experience.

I spent the first part of my life dealing with tragedy’s that my illness caused me school relationships leaguel problems it’s power was always negative then I was diagnosed and put on lythium and my life changed in more ways than I could have ever dreamed I was in the car business and I was the best I found I had ability’s and talents I never new I had but the funny thing was the same energy that made me a shit show for the first part of my life now was making me a total acceptable member of society and getting payed on the back this lasted for 17 years but it slowly started to fade I was not able to keep up and in two years I was homeless and you know what I was once agin treated like I was a piece of shit and went through 8 years of hell to get any help but because I knew I was capable of being ok I kept fighting the story’s I can tell you will make you laugh and cry but today I’m part of a movement to make sure the mentally ill will never face that brutality you see people make the defferane and because of a hand ful of dr advocates and others gave me the use of my power agin and set the record straight never give up even til you taste the power of the jucie

Finally - a place to share about all the things. If so many people have had these experiences it must be true. I can't begin to describe some of the things that happened to me in my spontaneous kundalini awakening. The first time was quite violent. I honestly don't know how I managed it all by myself, didn't tell the 'wrong' people and get myself sectioned. Time stood still so I'm unsure about how long it lasted. I had experiences of EGo death, felt like I died and then was reborn (I know now this was simply the 'death' of an old self, an old way of being). My kundalini fully opened, would you believe it I was just doing a little breathing/meditatiokn with my dog - he had his little paws on the forehead point and the heart and the root. Then bang. Each Chakra opened some painful, I felt I could feel inside all my organs. Then higher and higher. Until the head Chakra and I felt like I was living inside the brain of God. I could 'understand' Torah and Ancient Jewsih suymbols I could 'see' different languages. I felt vibrational energy and oneness. I felt God was speaking to me through Music. Going into busy places was too much for me as I felt everyone's fragments of conversation was messages from God speaking to me. And it actually made sense. Thoughts that I thought in my head seemed to play out in the universe. I could go on and on and on. I could 'see' people 'opening like flowers in front of me. Anything was too powerful. I had a lot of strong sexual energy (the Kundalini System is originally from Tantra I think). I had a funny meditation experience when I was n this Centre and I felt like this Golden buddha stature was licking me from the inside out, when we were trying to concentrate. I also remember crying to one of the leaders there, just saying 'I KNOW all this that Buddha and Christ were saying..but I don't know HOW I know' I felt like what people spent years to study and work at I was suddenly 'dropped into it'. I thought Chakra's and that were a load of bull. But here I was having the 1000 petalled lotus opening in my consciousness, reaching into past lives (that one happened when I was listening to Drake 'One Dance' - - I'm a very urban spiritualite ;)). I knew I was a little piece of the divine and just God-Godding and it was the most normal thing in the world. I also knew that it was my last life. I met all these people... the Budda with the loads of arms, dancing with ganesh. All colours were super bright depending on which Chakra was opening. Seeing my middle name everywhere....in beautiful pictures etc synchronicities. YOU CAN@T MAKE THIS UP (I asked God for a sign that this was real and that the UNiverse was supporting me through this)The dark sides too.... Seeing demonic presences etc My childhood trauma and scars were being 'seen' for God to 'heal'. Next day I see real scratches - this has happened a few times. I also had a near death experience where I was just taking a little nap...My life flashed before me...all the whole works, felt incredible love etc. was told to 'come back' I have NEVER spoken to anyone about this. I was such a skeptic about chakras, stuff like that, I thought God was wishful thinking - till the power came into me and I 'popped' into another level of consciousness for a bit. And never taken any medication there are two questions I wonder about if anyone might be able to help with

1) What have people DONE with the information they downloaded while they were in their altered state of consiousness. I don't feel like I've used this wonderful experience, I've just never talk about it. I felt 'called' or something. But then it kind of faded as that way of being doesn't 'fit'. I feel the Kundalini energy rising particularly after a very very low point.

2) Is there anything that helps to balance in a Natural Way - - I'm either very muted (some would call depressed) and then these highs happen

Any help and connection with anyone who shares similar experiences would be great. I live in Sheffield, UK.

THINGS I FOUND HELPFUL for anyone Stanislov Groff's writing about Spiritual Emergency -

I have had a very similar experience. This summer I went through a manic episode in which I studied everything “spiritual” including witchcraft numerology and new age spirituality. I grew up extremely connected to Jesus Christ. Looking back I was probably bipolar most of my life. All throughout college I did a bunch of drugs mainly psychedelics. I felt euphoric. I felt that we were all God and all “like Jesus”. So then I started reading the Bible again and completely did a 180. I thought that I was damned. Previously I felt that my “third eye” has opened, but then when condemned I thought I had the mark of the beast. It felt like demons were possessing me. I was super scared. I still struggle with feelings of condemnation and I no longer think I’m God. But I do find twinges of comfort in Jesus and I know for a fact he’s real and the only spiritual diety that I trust. I just want to know that I’m not going to spend an eternity burning. And I too hear God in my left ear. And he usually says I’m ok and he loves me. It’s hard bc I don’t know what’s real or not. But I do have faith in God.

I also have an intense fear of armeggedon or the end of the world and suffering. I was molested and abused as a child and would really hate to suffer anymore. I struggle with feelings of hopelessness for the future. But I know God wants me to trust him. And God will use everything for good.

I know this was a rambly mess. It’s comforting to know y’all have gone through very similar situations. Gods love to you all.

First, I want to say thank you for all. My story begins with my conversion to a born again Christianity. Three days prior to my manic episode, I was praying to God while wearing a t-shirt and underwear only at 4am and suddenly I start praying in tounges. Went subconscious and I was very loud to the point that I woke up my roommates. And they witness someone speaking in tounges and they couldn't even stop me since I WAS very powerful. That is on the day I had a training for my job then I went to Dallas from Washington DC. In the airlines, I started preaching the word of God despite knowing very little about the bible. AND, I started claiming myself as a born-again Christian. In the training place, all I was talking about was God to the point people got offended and I have to get called and explain what I was doing. One time I was called to the Resource Manager office and they told me that I am offended speaking the word of God. And all that I have done was "I took out different bills and open the back and asked them 'What is all the dollar bills have in common since I had 1$,5$,10$ bills?'" The resource manager was confused and she was like I don't know. Then I told her "All the bills said IN GOD WE TRUST" so if people carry cash and walk around and don't get offended, they shouldn't get offended when I call the word God. Then I added saying I also get offended when they talk about going to happy hour and drinking but I don't complain about it. And she just finaly said to not do it again and let me go. Then I had to go a karaoke session when I chose a random gospel rock music and just read through it until the line "Jesus Loves Me" come. But then I broke down and start praying to all my coworkers in English and tounges. People were scared and didn't expect that at all. Because I was unconscious again they directed me so I don't become a distraction to their fun time. When I finished praying, I walked outside I didn't even want to stay in the barn. Then a white 6'3" guy came to me and said, "dude, you could get fired for doing this." But then I asked him, "Are you a born again Christian." Thank God he said, "Yes, I am." All I told him is a simple thing, "Don't be afraid just go back." And, he did go back. The next day I was doing the same thing praying all night in tounges and praising the lord even having a close panic attack. Even when I was walking outside I felt like I WAS WALKING IN A GRAVE. I started distancing myself because I felt like nobody started to understand me or see the God that I see. I created a flyer about God with a bible verse, "For God so loved the world that HE sent his only begotten SON, whose ever believeth in HIM should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16 and another one started handling it and speaking to people in the way back to Washington DC. A lot of amazing things happen which I didn't wanna talk about. But after I get back to Washington DC, I couldn't control myself. I went super manic mode and even went outside barefoot and started talking people with energy and police came and the firefighter's car came all the time I was unconscious but treated as conscious. Even unconscious sometimes, I spoke about half God things and some crazy things. I even said, "I am awakened by the spirit of King David, King David back kneels down to Police Officers." Think about the reaction you would get as a black immigrant telling an officer to kneel down but what happens three days or almost five days is almost have barely slept all I want to do was defending the honor of God. I was very disappointed seeing churches using the word of God to make a profit. Seeing pastors and other people using the place of God to glorify themselves instead of God. And, I had no FEAR to speak against it even NOW. For me, it wasn't about being an orthodox, protestant, Catholicism or some other Christians, I wanted all Christians to come together and become Christ soldiers and turn the world to a better place. Anyways, I tried to create that illusion world and went into Mental Health Institute for 23 days. The first 4 days, I was subconscious. They needed almost 10 people to make a calm down to give me the medication because I used to tell them "God is my medicine and they had no right to give me medicine without my permission" and because of this I fought even protested inside the Mental Institute by myself. I also played a reverse psychologist on the Psychiatrist because I was convinced all they do is just give drugs not really worry about the patients. How's 15mins session help someone with a lot of traumas to understand them what they went through? And they charge us 150$ for us talking 15mins really??? Is this really helping any patients?? It was just pharmaceutical companies playing in people's lives while using the judiciary and other systems. Similar situations as Slavery but when someone talks about they will shut you off because of what they have. "The root of all evils is money" -- they just destroy our lives so they make money. They make me and break me to the point I want to kill myself because I felt hopeless because I saw all my hard work in school [my two degrees and premed] have no value. I was treated by a stupid DOCTOR who doesn't even care about people's emotions and treated worst than a therapy dog. I never felt disrespected like that in my life and I just got tired of protesting. I even protesting making a flyer from crayons because that's all we're allowed to have. First, I created the following posters "Is this CVS or Court time", "Doctor said it is TARGEt time, and I said "it's God time' ", and more. But they used to laugh at me and I felt even frustrated but God changed my heart and started changing the flyers, I draw a cross and just simply said "God is alive" and "In God We Trust". The reaction completely changed they started getting offended even the staff members and I was laughing when I was protesting letting them know I am still happy while God is with me. In addition, I started praying to patients where they started feeling better and getting out before me. The whole vibe changed. I remember spending almost the whole night trying to convince my roommate that "He is not God or Matthew" but it worked at the end he even said sorry and started to tell me about his life. And, hearing that even make me sad how we were treating this bad like a danger to ourselves and society while the victims were us. The media ties everything to the issue of Mental Health. The society says people with anxiety and depression is with lack of faith but didn't feel like the LACK OF SOCIETIES FAITH TO GOD is what causes people like me to lose control of themselves. They judge others without even know it but when I point their side the mention a Bible verse and said: "Judge you will not be judged." But forgets that God gives the right to judge any believer as long as I measured myself with that standard which means if I am not stealing that I am allowed to say "DON'T STEAL." Saying it in a good tone another topic. All I saw is like they are the right one. I see people who think who is a prophet doing prophecy like nothing. They prophecized almost every week and people go to the church to hear a prophecy - what a joke. People go to church and buy a history book - what a joke. People became blinded to see the truth especially those who don't seek the truth themselves. Played by people with egoistic mindset. When do we seek for a true teacher. Churches became a playing ground. People who made you laugh get invited but those with good content not. Churches became a place of entertainment rather than a place where you get spiritual growth. And some places, churches ran as an auction that the teacher even tells how much money a person should give. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. May God forgive us all.

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